Downtown Live

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The Surreal Life

Why VH1 should consider a cruise ship for a reality show.

by Jamie Manser

“Step right up and don’t be shy/because you won’t believe your eyes.”

- Fee Waybill

t the end of February, I had probably one of the most oddly fascinating experiences of my 30 years on this planet.

I went on a rock and roll cruise.

It’s been five weeks, and I am still trying to unravel what transpired. I mean, I figured the excursion would involve a level of debauchery on par with Austin’s music fest South By Southwest…but the bacchanalian proportions of revelry that ensued surely awakened the ancient Roman god.

In order to get to the pier near Los Angles, my boyfriend and I opted to take the chartered bus from Tempe. At 69 bucks each round-trip, it was the most economical and - we thought - sanest choice.

How wrong we were.

The bus was scheduled to leave at 5 a.m. A large number of passengers were well on their way to getting toasted by 6 a.m. Not shy of a party, I myself shared a few strong bloodies and a beer with Greyhound Soul drummer Alan Anderson.

The true Dionysian worshippers, however, were not the musicians on the bus, but rather an eight-man bachelor party and a single gal sitting in the first few rows.

It was endless rounds of Tecate, Corona, Bud Light and a gallon of vodka and fruit juice that from-the-Bronx-bachelor-party-boys and others consumed.

Shirts came off, and pictures were taken. A camera being passed around displayed the single girl’s breasts.

I tried to show it to my boyfriend: “Look honey, a nipple!”

He shook his head that he held in his hands and issued an exasperated groan.

That was just the beginning.

The Rock ‘n’ The Seas passengers took the dubious honor of consuming the most alcohol on a Friday night, ever. The announcement brought on raucous whoops and hollers. I subsequently told people the ship was drank out of house and walk-in and helicopters restocked the alcohol supply.

I was merely practicing my acting skills and am apparently still a thespian.

Billed by the Rock ‘n’ The Seas website as the “Concert of a Lifetime,” it featured Arizona originals The Tubes, Gin Blossoms, Dead Hot Workshop, Sand Rubies, Greyhound Soul, Rich Hopkins and The Luminarios, Ghetto Cowgirl plus ten other bands.

The musicians took the gig seriously and played their asses off. The scheduling was a bit F’ed the first night with the Gin Blossoms finishing their set in the 4 a.m. area, but smoothed out over the next two days and nights.

The official destination of the Monarch of the Seas cruise ship was Ensenada, Mexico. After disembarking from the ship, we took a shuttle to La Bufadora. En route, we saw a Home Depot, a Costco and an Auto Zone – big boxes built close to shore lines. And according to the bus driver, the majority of property owners on the peninsula were retired Americans.

The purpose of paying another $15 for a jaunt to La Bufadora was to see a “spectacular marine geyser exploding upwards sometimes as high as 80 feet above sea level, producing a tremendous sound. This is the reason for its name, ‘The Blowhole’.”

The shuttle from the ship to Ensenada doesn’t tell you that the geyser of La Bufadora only happens at high tide. We were there at low tide.

In Ensenada, we found the seafood stellar, the shopping fun and – though we stayed past our tour – we were able to wangle a ride back to the pier. It was when the shuttle got snarled in parade traffic that we hopped out, ran through the spectators and managed to get back on the ship before its departure.

It was a window of ten minutes.

We got back on the ship - which was like being on a floating 14-story-building on the ocean - and immediately readied ourselves for the Captain’s Dinner. Dress code for the men dictated “suit and tie, a sports coat (or flashy rock-star blazer),” ladies were asked to wear “cocktail dresses or formal gowns.”

Dress code with a bunch of Arizona rock ‘n’ rollers can be akin to a cowboy convention at the Value Village.

A culmination of rock bands have been culled together for fans in increasingly creative stays.

Why not a cruise ship to complement your rocking ways?

The next Rock ‘n’ The Seas is in the works for Feb. 16-20, 2007. Keep an eye on www.RockNTheSeas.com.

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